Hmm, funny

That is not funny.

  1. Being bilingual and switching to the other language when I'm saying something bad.
  2. I don't use AI to write my jokes, but I do know a laptop that would be very upset if it heard me say that.
  3. Taking my daughter to therapy so I can sit in the parking lot and lose at chess for 50 minutes.
  4. Giving my kids all the bad news right before therapy so they can trauma dump effectively.
  5. My son was talking about 420 and I was worried he was smoking pot but really he was just making fun of my Elo.
  6. Pictures of the kids in parent portal getting progressively more and more unhappy. Hopefully they turn the corner before they join the worst portal... linkedin.
  7. Collecting watches is a waste of money, make a joke about that somehow. The hobby is just spending money. And I'm still late to everything so it didn't even help that.
  8. Keeping blender thing and the attachments in separate drawers like it's a firearm. We can host the playdate! No accidental smoothies on my watch. You want a healthy snack? Here's a loaded .22, go take care of the fucking groundhog that keeps eating our blueberry bush.
  9. I like Yom Kippur because it's the day my myfitnesspal log is accurate.
  10. Post from 2015... I went to 930 club back bar and this girl from the main show was a mess. Amateur hour. Her equally amateur friend was like "I need to pee and find my friends" so we babysat her for an hour. During that time I gave her my jacket bc I'm a gentleman and she puked on it because I'm an idiot. Also her friend called me "sir" ouch. Her friend said "thank you sir I'm sure you would rather be inside" I said yeah but do you have any idea how many likes I'm going to get from jaded ravers on Facebook tomorrow?
  11. Came out of the shower to every Jewish parent's worst fear. "Dan, not only does your son want to watch Barney, he wants to watch the Christmas special Barney ". Need to get one of those reverse web filters for the iPad that only allows porn and knockoff pharma sites.
  12. good job me eating a bunch of cookies before bedtime!!!!
  13. Can't wait for Super Bowl to start so I can go to the grocery store.
  14. Motherfucker do you have any idea how much value I bring to this organization
  15. What's the funniest alcoholic beverage name? IMHO 99 Bananas
  16. I heard NIH is trying to weaponize bacteria that causes the victims to tap next when "ashes to ashes" comes on shuffle. If you are experiencing this symptom, seek help